I am a foster parent. I have been a licensed foster parent since October of 2009. Our first placement was June of 2010. We still have her, and hope that her case moves forward with a permanent goal of adoption. At this point it really is the only option that would benefit her. "S" has autism and will need help the remainder of her life. her bm (birth mom) is MIA and her bd(birth dad) is on an extended vacation until "S" is fourteen. At this point really she only knows Greg and I.That is one thing they don't tell you, these cases can drag on and on forever. Frustrating even the most patient person.
We have had the pleasure of fostering seven kids. The youngest three weeks old, the oldest being "S" at six now. Even with that limited experience, we've seen a range of things. From birth families taking an active stance and trying to get their kids back, to birth families taking no stance and basically abandoning their children. Its heart breaking in any case, but the ones that are really frustrating, are the birth families who do the bare minimum. Contact is sporadic, visits even less, and the commitment is shaking. The kids social worker is also the parent's social worker, so when it comes down to it, the social worker is fighting for the parents. That's another thing they don't tell you in training, 9 times out of 10 the social worker doesn't really care what happens to the kids, just that the parent's get their rights back. Another file off the overworked over piled desk of the tired and weary social worker. Another thing they don't tell you is that the kids' rights are never guaranteed. Parents have all the rights in Wisconsin- where as the kids- the very people CHILD Protective Services (CPS) is supposed to PROTECT- have very little rights. They have the right to safety- and the threshold Wisconsin uses is abysmally small- were there any bones broken? There is no requirement for food shelter or other safety measures other than broken bones. That's another thing they don't tell you, the laws that CPS follows- do not make sense to ANY one. What would seem like common sense, is actually exactly opposite of what required. Kids are reunified with parents on a daily basis simply for the fact that they showed up to court. They may have missed that last six court hearings. They might have not seen the child for months, maybe even years, but they show up, automatic reunification. The birth parents may not have a job, or any means to support their selves, let alone the child(ren), may not have a roof over their head, or a car to transport them. But they will be reunified, then brought to the front of the line for things like welfare, food stamps, housing, and other programs that were designed to help for a short term period. But these families have no training, and no way to get out, so its just a cycle over and over again. And they feel like they are ENTITLED to these benefits.
When you decide to become a foster parent, there is extensive training you undergo. There is background checks, and financial checks, and a host of other information. You receive a four inch binder and a six inch binder full of rules that as a foster parent you need to follow. Such as you can not smoke in your house, your car, your yard, or around the foster children. You need to maintain a safe and healthy environment, that has smoke alarms on every level, in every bedroom, and carbon monoxide alarms on every level. A fire extinguisher. One bed for each child, and no more then two children-who must be same sex siblings, can share a room. You can't cut the child's hair with out permission from the parent's or social worker. There are several more. They don't tell you that these rules apply only to the foster parents. The birth parents can do as they please, and social workers make excuses for them.
Things change day to day with placements. You maybe told the placement is permanent with adoption in six months, and the next day the kids go back to their birth parents. Or Family steps up and wants the kids. Family is key in Wisconsin courts. If family steps up and asks for the kids they maybe one step away from jail, never met the kids, but the judge will place them with family. Or remove them from a Foster Home into a familiy's home. Sharing the same blood doesn't make you "Family". But in the eyes of Wisconsin Law family is and only can be blood.
The system is broken, and everyone admits it but no one is willing to do anything about it. Some of the most awful things I have experienced have come from this broken messed up system. I don't understand 98% of the things that happen. Common sense says one thing, the law says another. Its a tough road, but someone has to travel it for these kids. Unfortunately- social workers, birth parents, and most involved are not very good at expressing their appreciation for foster parents. So it is a thankless job in that regard. But that child's smile, their laugh. The fact that you provide them with a safe home, stability, love, and warmth.. that is what we do it for.
The one thing they do tell you in training is that your heart will be broken. You think its because you get attached to these kiddos, but in reality its the fact that you have to send these kiddos back into less than ideal, sometimes straight up awful places, and there is not one thing you can do to change it.
I was recently asked my a birth mom if I get attached to kids, and how do I send them back. I hate the later comment, its not a choice I have. Its something I HAVE to do. It breaks my heart a little more each time. There is also the comment of "well you knew from the start this was temporary" These are the people I would love to choke, no matter how well meaning they mean to be. Temporary or not, you still get attached. Its hard not to. Its like telling the mom of the infant who died from Sids- well you were only with them a short time... Or the cancer patients family "well at least you know when they will die." Its awful, not helpful, and it is plain mean. Whether it sets out as a two week placement, or a placement that leads to adoption, when they leave, its hard. You become attached, you love these kids, they are now a part of you. And I love and care and treat these kids as MY OWN. As for being attached.. the answer is yes. Some a little more then others. But there is a bond, and you do get attached. I wish the best for my kiddos when they leave. I make them a life book full of pictures, stories of their time with us, and letters from myself, husband, and my family. Its a heart wrenching process- but it gives them a piece of their history. After the kids leave, I have a good cry, or twenty. And we try to move a head, a little bit broken. But those kids stay in my heart for ever, and I always keep them in my thoughts and in my prayers.
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